One of these Things is Not Like the Others

Facebook supposedly caters its advertisements to you based on things you've clicked on, typed, "liked", or God knows else.  So I'm sort of wondering what I did to deserve one of these ads...

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I mean COME ON, I don't even live in Nashville!!

And more importantly, why is THAT the poster child for the Cute Baby contest?  Get it together, Facebook.

Not Pinterested

That's right, Pinheads. I'm judging you and your virtual collage.

Shutup.com

I've always enjoyed the rituals that only good friends can share. Inside jokes, quick facial expressions that speak volumes, code words, things that only they find funny. One of my best friends, Rob, and I mutually love talking about websites that should be created. Sometimes because it would actually improve people's lives if such a website existed, but mostly we do this because we find it entertaining to follow funny words and phrases with "dot com". Another great friend of mine, Tim, likes to make these phrases into indie band names. I realize you're probably thinking these activities sound juvenile and tremendously stupid, but for some reason I find them hilarious... and they are, I swear!

For example:
I could say something like "There was a Ted Koppel doppelganger in line behind me today," and Tim would casually reply, "Ted Koppel Doppelganger is playing Coachella next year." Rob would probably laugh at my statement and quickly shout "TEDKOPPELDOPPELGANGER DOT COM!"

Sometimes these rituals DO make me want to start a website (or an indie band). Recently I've been pondering compiling a black list of people, places, and things that make me want to slap my own forehead in disgust. I checked into it, and unfortunately, the URL "www.facepalm.com" is already taken. And why wouldn't it be? It's so simple AND it rhymes. Shit. My next choice was "www.shutup.com", another viable option, given that anyone on this black list shutting up would probably be good for the whole of creation. As it turns out, shutup.com is already in existence, but it says "coming soon". Pfft. You know what shutup.com? I'm using that URL as this blog title, and I don't care if you get mad. If you start bitching about it, I'm just gonna tell you to shut up. (Dot com.) And then submit you to your own website.

These would be my other submissions:

Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's pretty lame that you come around and bother people who don't get enough sunshine. I mean, way to rub salt in the emotional wound of wintertime. You are definitely the worst thing that can be described as perennial. And supposedly you'll just leave if treated with light therapy? You're nothing but an annoying second-rate mental illness, SAD, and you know what else? I think your acronym also being a symptom makes you sound like a smug asshole. So shut up!

Premature Fatalities of Hip-Hop Stars of the 90s. Hey, I think it's great that you all stopped shooting at each other a long time ago, but I'm going to need you guys to also stop being fat, diabetic, and heart disease-prone. I think it goes without saying that foot amputations and Lopressor prescriptions are NOT GANGSTA, but also, I really don't want my future children to grow up in a world without you. Just shut your mouths. (Literally, so that less food can get in there.)

Election Courtesy Calls. First of all: MISNOMER. There is nothing courteous about being called every 40 minutes at all hours of the day for an election you can't even vote in because you're no longer a resident of that city, and a guy keeps leaving messages for "Michelle" despite the fact that your voicemail message tells him TWICE that your name is Lauren. I guess it doesn't really inspire a lot of confidence in this local wannabe official you're calling on behalf of when it's obvious he's hired people to harrass you who can neither hear nor dial correctly. Consider getting a real job in which you tangibly, positively contribute to society, and while you're at it, shut up.

The Red Cross. You know what, Red Cross? You're a real dick. Several times a year, I give you - FOR FREE - the miracle of life in the form of my AIDS-free, type O-positive, hemoglobin-rich blood that I made with my top-notch bone marrow (you're welcome), but I'm expected to pay you $70 to watch three hours of horribly-acted emergent situation videos and prove that I haven't forgotten how to yell "code" and begin chest compressions? SHUT UP.

Student Loan Debt and the People Who Downplay It. Everyone hates it, but what I hate even more are asinine articles stating that "students need to better manage college costs" because we're graduating with too much debt. Robert Rood, "guest essayist" and Associate VP of Finance at Roberts Wesleyan College, a private institution in Rochester, NY - where, according to its own website, the estimated yearly cost for students in 2010-2011 was $33,186 - had these brilliant, groundbreaking suggestions: "Scrap the cable. Pack a lunch (unless you're on a meal plan at college) and eat out less". Excellent! So with the $33,000 a year you'll save brown-bagging it and missing your favorite FX shows, you'll be able to simply write a check for your tuition bill!! Pinching pennies is soooo easy! Oh wait, you just have to pinch 3.3 million of them, or roughly a median American yearly salary's worth. Seriously, Bob? Shut. The fuck. Up.

Whiny Target Boy.
(This one might require some explanation.)

Being the bleeding heart that we all know I am, I'm obviously on the email list for a website called Change.org, which hosts and spreads the word about petitions against various political, social, and economic injustices. This way, I can get multiple daily updates about all the ghastly horrors going on in the world (like $5 a month debit card fees) that urgently require my e-protest. And really, what BETTER way is there to support victims of "corrective rape" than by clicking a tab that says "add signature"? I kid, but make no mistake, these things do actually work, and often. Governments have enacted new laws, appeals have been granted, and Bank of America decided to reverse their decision to charge a large majority of their customers $5 a month to use their own debit card after a backlash that included hundreds of thousands of people signing a Change.org petition. A lot of the times they're good causes, but occasionally they're just moaning about first world problems like bank fees, and the one I got today, I just can't bring myself to sign.

A Target employee in Omaha, Nebraska is petitioning to push Target's Black Friday store opening back from midnight to 5am because "all Americans should be able to break bread with loved ones and get a good nights rest on Thanksgiving!"

One the one hand, I agree, but only because I hate Black Friday. It's a tacky tradition that has spiraled so completely out of control that in recent years, violent stampedes for cheap flat screens have literally left people maimed and dead. Now, in order to have an edge over competitors, many stores are pushing up their opening times so people can live out a real-life "Modern Warfare 3" while attempting to purchase "Modern Warfare 3" in WalMart on Thanksgiving itself. Listen, I get what Target Boy is saying. But out of all the ugly things going on in the world, he decides to start a petition because he has to "leave his fiancee's family's Thanksgiving celebration early"? REALLY!?

I have some news for you, Target Boy: you're a whine-ass. It's true. First of all, it's a problem that can be easily solved: eat turkey earlier. Truthfully, Thanksgiving is kinda boring, if you think about it. It's a whole day set aside for glorifying professional sports and gluttony, and HELLO - here in Amurrica, we do that 24/7/365 anyway. Secondly, your attempt at altruism with that "All Americans..." statement is just precious, but WAKE UP, TINY TIM! Nurses, doctors, police officers, firemen, EMTs, and soldiers will all be away from their families that day too, not to mention all the other days, nights, special occasions, and holidays they miss year-round in order to provide for their families and take care of the rest of us. But they signed up for that schedule - and so did you the day you started donning the red shirt/khaki pant uniform. They aren't whining about it, so I suspect that you can suck it up for the five hours over which you're trying to stir up a national outcry.

(All together now)...
Shut up.

The Sass Factory Protection of Marriage Act

I've always had lots of ideas for how we can "save marriage" (none of which have anything to do with banning gay people from it, by the way) but I figured that there'd be no better time to share them than on the heels of the breaking news that Kim Kardashian is divorcing Kris Humphries, who just wed on August 20 after knowing each other less than 9 months.

I don't think anyone even feels bad because we're too busy rolling with laughter. What, were we supposed to be surprised? I have no doubt there were bookies with odds on that. Personally, I gave them six months, so if anything, I was slightly pleased at how right I was, but I nearly guffawed at how soon things actually ended. How did I know they were going to get divorced, and so quickly? Well, you could argue that common sense told me. Anyone truly blindsided by this should definitely have their head examined and not be allowed to operate heavy machinery. But truthfully, I've been spending years observing trends, reading data, and just plain formulating loud opinions about marriage, and I think they're pretty spot-on. If Kim and Kris had even just browsed over my Protection of Marriage Act, they'd have known the multitude of reasons they absolutely shouldn't be getting married and the whole mess could have been easily avoided. So that's why I've decided to publicize my ideas for marriage regulation, and here's hoping the people who can do something about it are listening!

I should preface my regulations with this: don't get offended. No, seriously, don't. If any one of these fits you, or your parents or grandparents, and the marriage is still intact, well then I must not be talking about you, right? For the record, I think anyone who is currently married should be grandfathered in. But times have changed. People who got married 6 minutes out of high school in 1937 did so because life was different back then. The world is bigger now, we have more life path options, and people start having sex in middle school bathrooms when they're 12, so we can't expect that what worked way back when is going to work now. And there's lots of data that proves that. Certainly there are exceptions to every rule, but laws need to be made based on rules and not exceptions. Drunk driving is illegal because MOST people are bad at it. When you're talking about governing a population, you have to target what is average and common. Generally speaking, people don't do well at being married when they don't meet these requirements. SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU...

My marriage rules.

PREAMBLEMake all marriage illegal. Seriously, the whole thing, done-zo. It's an archaic form of bartering that came about when people required groups for mere survival. We think marriage is romantic, but traditionally, it's about people's families paying each other to get rid of their kids for them. You really want to continue something that was developed on the basis that your husband's parents would take you if they also get 100 head of cattle? You do? Ugh, fiiine. If you refuse to outlaw the whole thing, then we have to follow these rules!

Article I: AGE REQUIREMENTS
1. You have to be an adult. A REAL adult, not a legally-defined adult, like an 18 year-old. Just because you're allowed to vote and get thrown in actual-jail, and not juvenile sleep-away summer camp "detention" center-jail, doesn't mean you're to be trusted with long-standing legal contracts. Have you hung out with any 18 year-olds lately? The vast majority of them can barely formulate a coherent thought, much less comprehend the vastness of committing themselves to someone for a lifetime. People today, particularly kids, are overstimulated and constantly evolving. They're kids for longer than people used to be kids. Minimum Marriage Age = 30.

2. Age Difference. If one partner is considerably older and of considerably more wealth, NO. Marrying someone young enough to be your child or grandchild? This is not a real marriage. This is a mutually beneficial contract based on the trade of sex, status, and possibly health insurance. The younger person shall be hired as an employee (so they can have health insurance), payed for their services (that's right, I'm suggesting the legalization of prostitution, because I'm calling this sort of relationship what it is and not allowing them to defile marriage), and be income and sales-taxed at the appropriate rates.

3. The Older Woman Amendment. Marriages in which the woman is 5 or more years older and of childbearing age shall be highly illegal. Women mature faster and seek financial and emotional stability from their mate. Unfair biology also requires that women procreate earlier than men. In addition, men should not commit their lives to someone they met before they had a chance to sow their wild oats. I refer to this as "Longoria-Parker Syndrome". Eva Longoria thought it was a good idea to marry A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE (more on that in a moment) whom she started dating when he was in his early 20s. And then, of course, he had affairs. Simply speaking, the needs of older women can not be met by younger men, particularly if said younger man is under 35. When the woman is no longer of childbearing age, but she's just plain getting less hot as the man get hotter or stays the same, this is called the "Kutcher Complex", and this type of union shall also be illegal.

Article II: OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
1. High-Profile Marriage. If you're in a rock band, on reality TV, or a professional athlete in a televised sport, OR your face has ever graced the pages of People, US, Ok!, In Touch, or Life&Style, you're not allowed to get married. Ever. It's for your own good.

2. Military Marriage. I have to wonder what kind of government thinks that young, early marriages are SUCH a great idea that it showers perks and benefits such as better housing and higher pay all over people SIMPLY FOR BEING MARRIED. Hmm, I wonder why military people marry, have babies, and divorce, all by age 25? Because it was convenient and income-potentiating? Perhaps. Furthermore, I find it highly suspect to encourage people to wed and procreate who you are then going to send off to get shot at and blown up, potentially creating a large generation of war widows and orphans. Cut it out. All the other listed rules apply.

Article III: PERSONAL REQUIREMENTS
1. Length of Courtship aka the "Kardashian Klause". You're not allowed to marry someone you met since the last World Series. You have to have known them for at least 3 years. You're not allowed to marry someone you've known for a long time but got hammered and hooked up with and decided to date for the past several weeks. Dating shall take place over a minimum of 18 months. You've also got to be engaged for 6 months before tying the knot (sorry, Elvis Impersonators, for putting you out of business). And you're certainly not allowed to marry someone who was in some sort of serious relationship or marriage less than 3 months before you started dating them. Rebounds are recipe for disaster. Speaking of which....

2. Three Strikes and You're Out. That's right, you only get 3 marriages EVER, so be choosy. And yes, that includes the Marine you were married to for 5 months when you were 18, and the 96 year-old millionaire husband who died on you a couple weeks after your wedding. If you keep getting divorced or your spouses keep dying, you're obviously unskilled at choosing mates, so your right to choose is going to be relinquished. You, Jennifer Lopez, Newt Gingrich, and Larry King can all have support group meetings with each other, because you're done. No more weddings. (Kim Kardashian, you've got one more shot, don't fuck it up.) YOU are the ones ruining marriage, not gay people.

3. White Weddings. You can't be a virgin when you get married. Trust me, God doesn't care. In fact, God thinks you're stupid for buying a car before you've ever even driven one.

Article IV: THE CEREMONY
1. Nuptual Narcissism. We have created a generation of people more excited about their wedding than they are about their marriage. Therefore, weddings are no longer allowed to be nice. You have to have them on your own property, your family has to make the food, and you can't outsource anything (except maybe the alcohol). Make your own flowers. Get your dress off a rack. No fittings, no alterations. Buy a damn outfit and show up. Oh, and you have to drive to your honeymoon, and you and your future spouse have to pay for everything yourselves. Marriages are work, so the wedding should be work too. Tedious, unglamorous work. If we stop treating people like princes and princesses simply because they chose to get married, the whole institution becomes slightly less appealing, and only people who are truly obsessed with each other will still want to go to the trouble of getting married.

2. Gifts. No money shall be given. No engagement rings. No $800 china platters. No gift registry. I'm calling for a moratorium on the extrinsic rewards. Marriage, love, commitment... THAT IS the reward. Again, we have enabled people to get a little too excited about the tangible things a wedding gets them, and they start to lose focus on the nontangibles. No one needs to be awarded on the basis that they have chosen a life partner. You know what the award used to be for getting married? Doing half the dishes and none of the laundry. Having more sex than you did when you were single (that's a fact, google it). Not dying (because between the two of you, you're bound to locate food and health care twice as often). We need to get back to basics here, and again, when you take away all the flash, cash, perks, and free shit, people will begin to see marriage for what it really is: a cattle-trading contract.

Fox "News" Slams Redheads; There Will Be Blog!

Oh, look. Fox "News" has once again attempted to pass off human biases as newsworthy science:

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/09/19/worlds-biggest-sperm-bank-turning-away-redheads/

Silly me! Here I was thinking that being white was enough to keep them off my back, but no such luck. I shouldn't really be surprised. Fox "News", the network of choice of everyone's embarrassing racist uncle, is no stranger to this sort of controversy. After all, they are the same source that recently published articles alleging that white people are smarter than black people, and calling Obama's 50th birthday celebration a "hip-hop barbeque" that "didn't create jobs".

It's ironic, really: the people in charge at Fox "There's No Such Thing As Global Warming or Evolution" News, and the caliber of people who make up its audience, seem to have no regard whatsoever for science, except when it comes to using pseudoscience to support their bigoted ideologies. Because it's not racist if it's science-ish, or so they rationalize.

Please tell me what credible news source would ever publish a sentence like this:

"Historically, red hair was thought to be a mark of moral degeneration and beastly sexual desires."

That's about as journalistically legitimate as saying "Historically, Jews are thought to be cheap and sneaky." NOT. OKAY. Though I'm sure about five whole seconds of googling would reveal that someone at that network has been recorded saying something remarkably similar, and Fox would have quickly chalked up the whole scandal to "the elite liberal media taking the words out of context". You know, that very special context where anti-semitism is not only totally appropriate, but also hilarious.

Well, Fox "News", in your obvious extensive research into the psyche of the flame-haired, you've forgotten one little thing that redheads are notorious for: their tempers. Now you've gone and royally pissed off this redhead, and I'm guessing that "somewhere between 6 to 18 million redheads in America" are none too pleased with you either.

Redhead-bashing has become trendy as of late, and I'm not really sure why. Given that I get compliments almost daily on the color of my hair, I'm inclined to attribute it to jealousy, but I'm not sure that's it. It's also possible that these "ginger"-haters have just been turned down by one hot redhead too many, and really, who can blame them for trying to mack it to one of God's finest creatures? At least half the men I know, and nearly every man I've ever dated, has admitted to having a "thing" for redheads. But I'm not entirely convinced that's the answer, either.

It probably has more to do with the fact that douchebags need some sort of outlet for their hatred of "others", a term used in social psychology for people who fall into some category of minority because of their rarity or "different"-ness. And since it's no longer particularly cool in most circles to denigrate women/black people/Jews/homosexuals, redheads and Mexicans are sort of the final frontiers for "acceptable" discrimination by people who are still miffed that they've had to give up using the N-word in formal social situations.

Before you go hating on my species, you might pause to consider famous redheads, without whom history might have been very different:

- U.S. President and principal author of the Declaration of Independence Thomas Jefferson
- Author Mark Twain
- Astronaut John Glenn
- King David (of biblical fame)
- Little Debbie (of Cosmic Brownie fame)
- Viking Explorer Eric the Red (and father of another great Viking explorer, Leif Ericson)

Speaking of Vikings, and to keep lockstep with Fox's proclivity for treating folklore as irrefutable scientific evidence, did you know that according to lore in Ireland (home to a large percentage of the world's redheads), no one had red hair on the Emerald Isle until after the Vikings came through in the 10th century? True story. Another true story is that I have red hair and I'm Irish. Do you know what that means?

It means I'm the descendant of Vikings, motherfucker.

What claim-to-chromosomal-fame do all of you at Fox News have? My guess is that you're the genetic leftovers of either backwoods inbreeding or the Third Reich. I'm really looking forward to the day that we finally figure out how to travel through time so that you and your imbecilic viewers can get back to the Antebellum South or Nazi Germany where you belong.

I'm going to close with a picture of one of the hottest women in the world, none other than red-haired supermodel Angie Everhart.


Yeah, there are definitely worse things your kids could be than redheads. They could be Republicans.

How to Write a Romantic Comedy

A male friend of mine recently had difficulty with an assignment for a writing class in which he had to come up with a premise for a movie that's appealing to females, and he was looking for suggestions via comments on his Facebook status. This is what I wrote, but as it turns out, Mark Zuckerberg thought it was too long, so I posted it here instead.

People might not think so, but it's actually super easy to write a romantic comedy. Sure, it's highly formulaic, but that's what makes it a very simple eight-step process. You just need help from people with vaginas. We have had these steaming piles of crap shoved down our throats since birth - AND WE LOVE IT - so we're really good at knowing how they work, especially because they represent how we all secretly hope our own lives will shake out. These movies are what we want to happen, ipso facto: we continue to watch them.

Here is the premise of every romantic comedy ever:

1. A completely neurotic but totally lovable girl has a great and highly implausible career in fashion/advertising/magazine editing and is completely convinced she does NOT need a man. This is emphasized in the next scene, when she goes out on the town and totally woops it up with her sassy, skilled-at-dancing black friend and her funny, tells-it-like-it-is gay friend. Black Friend and Gay Friend, at some point, will excitedly refer to their respective paramours.

2. She goes home to her absurdly gigantic, unrealistic New York City/Los Angeles apartment and takes a bubble bath or puts on ugly pajamas and watches television alone, when suddenly, she AND the audience realize she's super lonely and unfulfilled, and our girl sort of stares longingly into the distance with a pensive look on her face, as if to say her life is still missing SOMETHING (read: a man).

3. Shortly thereafter, Neurotic Girl (Heroine) experiences some profoundly unlikely but non-traumatic event such as breaking her high heel and falling into the person next to her on the street, who turns out to be a extremely obnoxious loud-mouthed asshole salt-of-the-earth kinda guy (who is totally sexy and also, conveniently, has a heart of gold beneath his rugged exterior). He makes some sexist-yet-funny remark to which Heroine takes offense and becomes convinced for the next six minutes of the movie that he's a terrible person with whom she has nothing in common and whose advances she will resist without fail. However, since he's a terrible person that happens to work in professional sports or owns a cool dive bar, they become fast friends and he teaches her new things and doles out clichéd life advice, like how she needs to loosen up and just learn to let go, and points out to her all the ways that some dude we suddenly learn she's currently half-dating is a total douche. Following a night of this sort of conversation, flirty glances, and nineteen beers each, they accidentally make out.

4. Asshole-With-a-Heart-of-Gold gets weirded out (or perhaps just goes about his normal life) and starts dating Random Tart. Heroine is displeased but, being a strong, independent, supposedly-non-typical-but-actually-typical woman, acts like she doesn't care.

5. Heroine, now weighing her options, or perhaps just rallying up a good ol' game of "who can make who more jealous?", rapidly increases the seriousness of her relationship with aforementioned half-boyfriend, who is a smooth, handsome investment banker or doctor who always wears nice suits. Asshole is miffed, realizes his feelings for the neurotic and totally-not-his-type leading lady, and goes just slightly too far in trying to make her jealous, but not so far that it's completely unforgivable. Heroine has a socially inappropriate, unwarranted meltdown, whereupon she screams at Asshole, and he gets in maybe one or two good digs about how uptight she is, and this all, most likely, occurs in a very public setting.

6. MONTAGE BREAK! The montage is a mandated, post-climactic piece to every romantic comedy puzzle. The Currently-Not-So-Gold-Hearted Asshole feels kinda stupid and guilty and must take a walk in crisp fall weather to clear his head and gaze at happy couples in a park, while somber indie rock plays in the background. Simultaneously, Heroine stares out the window of her tall office building as she recollects their good times and ponders what she has lost, while a montage of the aforementioned good times, complete with slow motion laughter, PG-rated physical contact, and possibly a food fight, plays for the audience. (WE DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, FORGO THE MONTAGE.)

7. After a short but dramatic period of time, Gold-Hearted Asshole finally shows up, much to Heroine's fake chagrin, to show just how golden his heart really is by doing something completely ridiculous, dangerous, and/or illegal to prove to Heroine once and for all that he MUST care.

8. Heroine and Gold Heart (who is now not so much an asshole, but a very hot, sensitive, sports team-managing badass) share their second kiss and declare their undying love for one another, despite the fact that they've known each other for nine days, aren't officially dating, and haven't even gotten to second base. AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Here's who you cast:
Heroine: Katherine Heigl, Jennifers Aniston/Garner/Lopez, Reese Witherspoon, Anne Hathaway, Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Cameron Diaz. Generally anyone who is very wholesome, but also highly annoying.

Black Friend: Doesn't actually have to be black. Any mildly ethnic-looking person will do. Must be attractive, but absolutely can not be prettier than Heroine. Think Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Jennifer Hudson, Gabrielle Union. If you can't find ethnic, Judy Greer (the eternal 'that girl') can fill in.

Gay Friend: Any clean-cut guy who is handsomely pretty, lean, fashionable, and isn't currently famous (and still won't be after he scores this part). Danny Roberts from The Real World: New Orleans is a nice prototype.

Badass (with a heart of gold): Gerard Butler, Bradley Cooper, Matthew McConaughey, Ashton Kutcher, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Marsden, Patrick Dempsey, or anyone who is sort of scruffy-handsome. Scruffy is how you know he's badass, handsome is how you know he has a heart of gold. (Clearly).

Random Tart: This can be played by anyone, as long as she isn't a particularly convincing actress and is sort of tough looking or slutty-hot. She can't look like the girl next door because she has to be unrelatable and therefore easy to hate. She's also only in the movie for about a minute and fifteen seconds, so you might not want to waste too much money on her. I'd go with someone from a recently-cancelled or low-rated CW series, or is unlikable to begin with, like Megan Fox, Camilla Belle, or Taylor Momsen.

There you have it. It really is that easy, and I just did most of the work for you. Now please hurry up and get to making this and a hundred other movies exactly like it so that I can absolutely go see them and seal-clap with delight when they get to #8.

Sweet Corn, Gay People > Internet Ads

Dear Citi bank,

I think that huge ugly ad that you just dropped directly over the news website I was reading was trying to get me to become your customer, but wow, did that backfire, because now I don't see you as a something I should give my money to, but as a rude pest who INTERRUPTS MY GAY MARRIAGE/STATE VEGETABLE ARTICLE.


The New York State Senate is in a marathon session right now, working out the Empire State's pressing issues, like where we should find billions of dollars to pay for all our superfluous shit, and how we can incorporate an ear of sweet corn onto our state flag (maybe one of those Excelsior broads can just like, hang on to it, perhaps instead of the scales of justice, or pretend to be eating it? Besides, if they vote down the gay marriage thing, then we really won't need the scales of justice on there anymore anyway).

So as you can see, Citi, while we in New York really appreciate your giving the Mets a metric ass-ton of money so they didn't have to play on that decrepit field anymore, neither I nor the state legislature has time to entertain your uninvited shenanigans right now, especially when you make it so impossible to find the miniscule "CLOSE [X]" button. So you just calm down for tonight, and in a couple days, you can get back to reeling in people who get distracted by shiny things.