Lauren Solves All The Campaign Issues!

As the presidential race is coming to a close, I'm sure we've all been noticing in the past few weeks that at least one of the campaigns is feeling its momentum slipping and is whipping out the claws in a few final pathetic stunts to win back some votes, to little avail. It actually seems to be having quite the opposite effect. Because my aim here at The Sass Factory is to always to provide the most fair, balanced, unbiased political coverage (just like Fox News does - ZING!), I won't say which campaign is currently sporting the rather smelly Eau de Desperation.

I've taken a few minutes to compile some recent rumors, new stories, and slips of the tongue for your enjoyment, and I've solved all of them in fewer than three sentences. Well actually, more than three sentences because as usual, I got carried away, which you should expect by now considering that's prettymuch my M.O.

Rumor: Barack Obama wasn't born in Hawaii as he claimed, and therefore he's not a natural citizen and can't be president.
1. Wow. Don't you think that if Obama wasn't a citizen that someone would have figured that out and said something a little sooner than 13 days before the election?
2. It is unbelievable how many otherwise educated people have no clue how citizenship works. John McCain was born in Panama during the US occupation of the Panama Canal (and no, it wasn't a base or an embassy), but no one's getting their panties in a bunch about that. But why should they? You are a natural born citizen if you are born to at least one parent who is an American citizen. Regardless of where Barack Obama was born, he is a natural born American citizen because he camped out in an American uterus for nine months beforehand. Both John McCain and Barack Obama have parents who are American citizens, so they could have been born in the part of Russia visible from the Palin residence, and they'd still be A-okay to run for prez.

Breaking News Story (Except on Fox): The GOP used $150,000 to spiff up the Palins since Caribou Barbie was named Veep nominee back in August.
That one is actually true. The former Miss Wasilla 1984 and clan rang up a tab of 75 grand at Neiman Marcus alone in a single day. In a way, I see no problem with this.

1. She has to be able to stand next to potential First Trophy Wife Cindy McCain and look good. In fact, the Republicans better lay down a few more G's so Sarah can get Cindy's plastic-y glazed-over Botox look too.
2. You can't have ultimate beta male Todd Palin running around campaining for the lipsticked pit bull in a Polaris snowmobiling suit, because he probably would if you let him.
3. Little Trig needs a cute baby sweater vest collection.
4. Bristol Palin (soon to be) Johnston needs stylish maternity clothes befitting a blushing young lady of 17. No mumus or sweatpants for this girl.
5. 7 year-old Piper absolutely needs that $750 Louis Vuitton bag. It's going to be her only souvenir of that time her silly mother thought she could be the vice president.

However, they probably could have dressed the Palins just as nicely with a wardrobe that didn't cost what a handful of average American families collectively make in a year. Harping on how "normal" you are and then spending that kind of money on clothing, no matter what you're supposedly doing with it after, is just plain tacky. I also can't imagine that the people who donated to the Republican campaign quite envisioned their hard-earned money going towards MAC lip gloss.

I'm thinking a better way to go with that money would have been say, advertising with the ferocity that the dems have? Maybe paying Alaskan taxpayers back for that time S.P. spent $21,000 so her daughters could do "official" state business like going to snowmobiling races and shopping in New York for 5 days? Maybe sending Sarah back to college so our potential Vice President could have more than a BA in "Communications slash Journalism" from the University of Idaho? Just throwin' out ideas here.

Slip of the Tongue (Perhaps Slip of the Brain): Michele Bachmann, Republican congresswoman from Minnesota and idiot extraordinaire, called Barack Obama "anti-American" on Hardball with Chris Matthews.
Representative Bachmann not only suggested that to be liberal is to be anti-American and that some current college professors "hate America", but flat out said "Absolutely. I am very concerned that he might have anti-American views". Chris Matthews also asked her if she thought her fellow congresspeople who are democrats and the 30% or so of Americans who describe themselves as liberal were anti-American, and she avoided the questions several times.

Check it out:
http://news.aol.com/elections/article/politicians-play-a-patriotic-blame-game/221695?icid=100214839x1211561253x1200744336

She was also stupid enough to later deny saying it all, seemingly forgetting the technological day and age in which we live. After she realized how terrible she looked, she said that she had never watched Hardball and should have before she appeared on the show, and that she regretted her statements. I'm sure her regret has nothing to do with the fact that she is up for re-election and since her appearance on Hardball, more than $800,000, some of which came from people in other states, has been donated to the campaign of the Democrat running against her for her seat in Congress. Whoops.

In their most pathetic attempt at scraping up a few votes yet, Republicans have now sunk to employing the old "so-and-so hates America" tactic, which might not be a bad idea considering that it kind of works on the large faction of Americans whose heads currently reside in their own rectums. An AOL.com poll of nearly 124,000 showed that 38% of voters consider liberals to be anti-American, and 46% of over 109,000 voters polled thought that supporters of Barack Obama are "socialists".

Not that I need to explain myself to my more-intelligent-than-average audience, but I would just like to formally state that liberal as I am, I do not hate America. In fact, I really love America, which is why I have such high standards as to what grade of moron I'll accept in high ranking public offices. Liberals love America, they just love different things about America than conservatives do. You guys love wearing flag pins, we love polar bears. You guys love the second amendment, we love Roe v. Wade. You guys love tax cuts for people that have so much money they go on five figure shopping sprees, we love increasing public education funding. So what? It really all comes down to love. Like how much I'm going to love it when a fellow SU alum is V.P. and you guys have to accept that your president is a liberal brown person.

P.S. Did you notice the current color scheme? Yay America!