The Candyman Took A Hint

Breaking News!!!

I am overjoyed to exclusively report that those clowns over at Wonka/Nestle have once again changed the Runts flavors... AND THE PEASANTS REJOICE!!! You heard it here first, folks.

Those of you who have been following my blog for a while, or found it because you googled "runts fruit change", already know that the Runts Debacle of 2007 created quite the fury here at The Sass Factory. And I'd like to think that I had something to do with the fact that the Runts flavors have changed once again in just a smidge over a year since the we mourned the loss of Apple, Blueberry, and Watermelon (well not really as much on the Watermelon), and suffered through the addition of Mango and Pineapple. This is what Runts have looked like as of late:










Runts Class of '07. Barf.

Here is why I know this: Danny Wegman never fails to disappoint. During a trip to the happiest place on earth earlier this evening with my mother, I was standing on the back bottom ledge of the shopping cart, leaning over the hand rail as Mom was picking up some ground chuck. Just then, a fateful glance towards the bulk food section changed my life. My runts radar went into overdrive. Following a very quick double take, I zoomed in on the plastic bin housing what appeared to be my delightful little yellow 'nanas, surrounded by... purple? And GREEN?

My heart began to race and shortly thereafter, my tiny two-tiered shopping cart was barreling toward the promised land. They WERE Runts in there afterall.... bananas, oranges, RED strawberries? The shape of the former mango (and before that, watermelon) was PURPLE! And the former apple/cherry/whatever that red one was and blueberry was now GREEN! I quickly flipped open the plastic lid and threw a green one down the hatch. Apple! Sour Apple! I think. Either way, it wasn't mango or pineapple, and I loudly rejoiced to my mother that I'd be forced to shovel around those bastard flavors no more! I bought an entire third of a pound, which is the largest amount I've bought since the days of apple and blueberry yore. For the past year and change, I've been buying them in tiny amounts since I can only tolerate scooping around those asshole flavors for about 90 seconds.

I can't even find a picture or any mention of this great news online yet... even on the Wonka website itself! So I am spreading the word to all of you that it is once again safe to purchase Runts. Throw caution to the wind and dig right in, because you no longer have to fear the unfavorable wrath of mango and pineapple. The new flavors are by no means on par with cherry and blueberry, but sour apple and grape are quite welcome in both my heart and my mouth. I'm so happy, I'm not even going to nitpick and mention the fact that the "grapes" are rather disproportionate in size. Wait...whoops.

I can only imagine this had something to do with the fact that I implored all of my readers to lodge complaints with Wonka/Nestle. Or perhaps it was because people would have rather come down with dysentery than try to stomach those sorry excuses for Runts that Wonka was trying to force down our throats since 2007. I guess it was just a hard lesson learned for them that people don't actually enjoy candy that tastes like dumpsters full of rotten trash and dead prostitutes.

While it's not yet heaven on earth (or in my stomach), I must salute Wonka for its valiant efforts in clawing its way out of this tragedy and taking steps towards a more flavorful and colorful tomorrow. Willy realized the error of his ways, and remembering that he was in the business of people-pleasing, gave us a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm willing to bet that Charlie has cheered up. High five, Candyman. High five indeed.

True confession: I never actually wrote to Wonka, which just goes to show that if you whine about something long enough, you'll eventually get your way.