Planet of the Apes

I've recently found that I've been spending far too much time getting addicted to more and more reality TV series lately. That in and of itself is pretty offputting, but there is a silver lining. Because of all my reali-"research", I have come to the conclusion that Charles Darwin is a liar.

If natural selection really existed, people like Daisy de la Hoya of Rock of Love 2 fame would not be allowed to exist, let alone have their own spinoff TV dating show that I am absolutely going to watch. Furthermore, if we as humans were still evolving, there would not be anyone left that is far enough off their rocker to want to come within germ-jumping distance of that walking cache of venereal disease. I think we can all agree that the best way to handle this problem is to contractually obligate reality TV show contestants to get sterilized in return for their 15 minutes of fame. The pride of New York's Capital Region, Arian Meyer, will still get to terrorize the VH1 set of Tough Love and give hand jobs in public as she pleases, and the world gets to rest easy knowing that there won't be any more of her. That's what I call a win-win.

Then again, not being able to have kids hasn't actually stopped anybody from having kids since like... 1976. I want so badly to believe that there is a safety net for the human race. I tend to think that Mother Nature generally makes good choices in that department. But evidently, no one really thinks we should give the old broad the time of day anymore. Here is an accurate reenactment of the Octomom's life journey to illustrate my point:


Mother Nature: Nadya Suleman? Bitch is crazy...better make her infertile.

Dr. Nutjob McFertilitySpecialist: You say infertile, I say opportunity to implant no fewer than 6500 fertilized embryos. That way you've got a good chance of ending up with a kid or 27.



That's not to say that all fertility treatments are bad. Some people genuinely want nothing more than to have their own kids, and it's great that we can help them have a few. Have 2.5 kids like the rest of America, one at a time. But perhaps when these people are a little too willing to be shot full of a baker's dozen of tiny popsicle babies, we should stop and consider that the world might benefit from preventing the passing on of their whackjob genes.

You know who else there needs to be fewer of?

- People that can't think of a baby name that doesn't end in "aden", "ayton", or some astoundingly bastardized spelling thereof. There are too many newborn to age five little shits overrunning creation who all seem to be named Aidan/Aiden/Aaden, Jaden/Jayden, Haden/Hayden, Caden, Braden/Braedon, Payton, Dayton, blah blah blah. For god's sake, just stop already and come up with a name that wasn't inspired by Britney Spears, Sex & the City, or some crappy city in Ohio, and remember that kids with creatively spelled names are always exponentially greater pains in the ass.


- Michael Vick. Ok, so there's only one of him, but that's already too much. There's a rumor going around that everybody's favorite puppy kicker is potentially getting released from prison in May. His grand plan is to work at a $10/hour construction job that will allow him to make so little money that he is "forced" to claim bankruptcy and won't have to pay his old settlements, including the $6.5 mill he owes the Atlanta Falcons for buying out the remainder his contract. Then, when that has all blown over, he plans to burst triumphantly back onto the pro football scene, which should work out fantastically after publicly screwing his former team out of $6 million or so. He's obviously thought that one out. You get right on that, dick.


- People who believe in and actually attempt liquid "cleanse" diets such as the MasterCleanse. Yes, there are actually people in the world who are not only operating under the impression that the living, breathing miracle that is their body requires treatment akin to what we bestow upon common backyard septic systems, but also decide that drinking the terribly appetizing combination of maple syrup, cayenne pepper, laxatives, and lemon juice is the best way to flush out all the gunk and lose a few pounds as a side bonus.

Bubble burster: it's not magic, people. It's modified anorexia for those who lack the discipline to actually not eat anything. The maple syrup gives you some form of glucose so you don't go all comatose and suffer from brain damage (not that MC participants are working with any notable gem to begin with), and the lemon juice is just there so you don't get scurvy during your two week vacation from food and good sense.

Nature or intelligent design or whatever it was came up with a highly superior and more natural scheme for how your body should clean itself, as evidenced by the fact that you probably quite regularly produce various liquids and solids, and you didn't even have to try. Don't ever let anybody tell you that you're not talented; you can turn any liquid into pee!


I'm somewhat concerned that the earth is soon going to realize what a bunch of turds humans have turned out to be and just shake us off once and for all. I think she might be warning us with all those periodic natural disasters that clear away a couple hundred thousand at a time. You know, wipe the slate clean so she can start over. Kind of like Mother Nature's own version of the MasterCleanse.