15 Albums That Really Embarrassingly Impacted My Life

We all know how much time I enjoy cavorting on websites purportedly for socializing that ironically impede upon actual face time with one’s friends, so you probably won't be surprised to learn that I've succumbed to yet another Facebook trend: a new survey originally entitled "15 Albums That Will Always Stick With Me”. Two years ago, everyone was obsessed with the open-ended "25 Things You Didn't Know About Me" and everyone was all “Number 17: I really like mashed potatoes!” and as a result of reading about 25,000 riveting facts such as this, I may or may not have compiled a secret blacklist of people who are complete wastes of carbon, which I will be glad to provide to you for a very reasonable $7.95, and yes, I accept PayPal.

Anyway, I hopped on the “15 Albums” bandwagon, but I changed the original title, mainly because it’s terrible. But more alarmingly, I've found that many people are completing this survey not in the spirit of laughing at their eleven year-old selves, which it clearly should be, but rather as a platform for showcasing their highbrow Indie-sprinkled musical taste. Apparently they weren’t informed that this was not, in fact, the interview portion for the Junior Miss Music Snob Williamsburg pageant, a lapse in judgment I’m going to chalk up to diminished intracranial circulation related to tight pants and clove cigarette residue.

And while we’re at it, hipsters, I might suggest you spend a little more time contributing to the good of society and being people who genuinely likes themselves, and start tapering the amount of effort you put into searching for tube socks, lenseless eyeglasses, and vintage Care Bears tee-shirts to wear as meta-commentary on the elitist Care-A-Lot government’s attempted ethnic cleansing of the Care Bears Cousins that forced their mass migration to the Forest of Feelings after it became apparent that the Care Bears Cousins were not actually bears at all. The childrens' and Care Bears' expressions say it best:

I'll agree that it’s sort of disturbing that the Care Bears were all, “Not in my backyard!” and the ones born with birth defects such as monkey tails were labeled “Cousins” and the show blatantly endorsed separatism and the exile of second class citizens, but seriously, hipsters, it’s time to get a real job and learn an adjective besides “epic”.

We have digressed, AHEM. Anyway, while the music snobs have been busy creating the lists that Indie wet dreams are made of, I’ve been noticing that they tend to choose albums that were made either upwards of thirty years ago, or within the past five years and that precisely sixteen people have ever listened to or heard of. I sort of find it strange that all these twenty-somethings are not lauding albums that have truly "stuck with them", as it were, but rather ones that didn't even exist for most of their lives, or existed for their whole lives but they likely came across as adults, because I'm pretty sure that even the most enlightened seven year-olds were not listening to songs like Jimi Hendrix’s “Electric Ladyland” in 1989. They were really just picking their favorite albums, and probably ones they calculatingly chose as ones that would be the most impressive, and I'm going to have to call shenanigans on that.

Facebook surveys are for one thing, and one thing only: self-humiliation. Which is why I elected to complete this survey and share the albums that made a mark on my life, however embarrassing they may be. Listen, I love all kinds of music, even the good kind, but if we’re being honest, it was almost always the crappiest art of the day that crept its way into my young, generic pop-music loving heart. I blame being born in 1984 for this. It set me on a horrible trajectory for musically coming of age, and you’ll see why as I include the years and anecdotes about their roles in my life story. If I didn’t include these explanations, you'd assume I’m a complete asshat, and I simply can’t accept that, because I’m only like, half an asshat.

Anyway, here's the survey:

"The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you, in no particular order. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me, because I'm interested in seeing what albums my friends choose. To do this, go to your Notes tab on your profile page, paste rules in a new note, cast your fifteen picks, and tag people in the note."

1. Ace of Base - The Sign. This was the first album I remember picking out myself and begging my parents for. It was early 1994, I was 9, gimme a break.

2. Weezer - Blue Album. "Buddy Holly" used to play ad nauseum at the ice rink in my early figure skating days, around 1995. After hearing "Undone (The Sweater Song)" and "Say It Ain't So", I decided I had to make the whole album mine. Most memorably, I listened to it on a Sony Discman with one of my BFFs, Jenn, on the 8th grade trip, prettymuch on repeat all the way to Niagara Falls, Canada and back.

3. The Cocktail (1988, starring Tom Cruise) Motion Picture Soundtrack. I realize this is a compilation, but there were no rules against that. It was also one of my first albums, and "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys was the first non-children's, non-church song that 5 year-old me knew all of the lyrics to. It still has a special place in my heart.

4. Spice Girls - Spice. I was a 12 year-old girl in the 1996, need I say more? I wanted TO BE a Spice Girl, duh. It was the first album to which I knew every lyric of every song. And almost 15 years later, I may or may not still keep it in my car.

5. Dixie Chicks - Wide Open Spaces. It made me all, "wait, do I like country?", and the answer was a timid, sheepish "yes".

6. Def Leppard - Hysteria. Thus began my decades-long love affair with hair metal.

7. ACDC - Back in Black. One of the first halfway respectable albums I ever owned.

8. ABBA - Gold. Technically not an album because it's a greatest hits compilation, but I had to include it because it set my soul on fire in the way that only Swedish pop can. My parents bought it from Columbia House, that mail-away CD company, circa 1997. I listened. I loved.

9. Frank Loesser - Guys & Dolls: The New Broadway Cast Recording, featuring Nathan Lane in the role of Nathan Detroit. This was the first showtune album I ever listened to in completion. It kicked off a colorful, short-lived teen stage acting career.

10. Sleigh Ride: Christmas Favorites played by The Boston Pops. I have an extraordinarily unhealthy relationship with Christmas music. I listen to it at least four months per year, and I start listening to it earlier every year. This was also the first compact disc I ever owned and surprise! I got it for Christmas.

11. NSYNC - NSYNC. I was 14 when the Boy Band to end all Boy Bands came out, how do you think this affected the course of my life?

12. Mariah Carey - Music Box. 1994 was when I fatefully discovered that I really like closing my eyes, belting out chesty ballads like “Hero” and "Without You", and waving my finger in the air as I do it.

13. Christina Aguilera - Stripped. 18 year-old me (stupidly) described this as the soundtrack to my (then current, 18 year-old) life. But mainly, it provided ample opportunity for finger-waving shout-alongs, but this time it was in 2002.

14. The That Thing You Do Motion Picture Soundtrack. Technically not a compilation because the music was all written by the same few guys. This sparked my love for oldies-style music, even if it WAS all made in 1995. Also? One of my favorite movies evarrr.

15. Destiny's Child - The Writing's on the Wall. This was the first CD someone ever burned for me (thanks, first boyfriend!) in 1999, and we used to sing the songs, most notably "Bills, Bills, Bills", in cheerleading all the time, especially on the bus when we were headed for football games.

Do you have a list more embarrassing than this? I’d love to hear it. But in the eternal words of Beyonce & those other Destiny’s Child people who’ve been forgotten by time, “I. Don’t. Think. You. Do! Soooooo you. And. Me. ARE. THROUGH!”