How to Write a Romantic Comedy

A male friend of mine recently had difficulty with an assignment for a writing class in which he had to come up with a premise for a movie that's appealing to females, and he was looking for suggestions via comments on his Facebook status. This is what I wrote, but as it turns out, Mark Zuckerberg thought it was too long, so I posted it here instead.

People might not think so, but it's actually super easy to write a romantic comedy. Sure, it's highly formulaic, but that's what makes it a very simple eight-step process. You just need help from people with vaginas. We have had these steaming piles of crap shoved down our throats since birth - AND WE LOVE IT - so we're really good at knowing how they work, especially because they represent how we all secretly hope our own lives will shake out. These movies are what we want to happen, ipso facto: we continue to watch them.

Here is the premise of every romantic comedy ever:

1. A completely neurotic but totally lovable girl has a great and highly implausible career in fashion/advertising/magazine editing and is completely convinced she does NOT need a man. This is emphasized in the next scene, when she goes out on the town and totally woops it up with her sassy, skilled-at-dancing black friend and her funny, tells-it-like-it-is gay friend. Black Friend and Gay Friend, at some point, will excitedly refer to their respective paramours.

2. She goes home to her absurdly gigantic, unrealistic New York City/Los Angeles apartment and takes a bubble bath or puts on ugly pajamas and watches television alone, when suddenly, she AND the audience realize she's super lonely and unfulfilled, and our girl sort of stares longingly into the distance with a pensive look on her face, as if to say her life is still missing SOMETHING (read: a man).

3. Shortly thereafter, Neurotic Girl (Heroine) experiences some profoundly unlikely but non-traumatic event such as breaking her high heel and falling into the person next to her on the street, who turns out to be a extremely obnoxious loud-mouthed asshole salt-of-the-earth kinda guy (who is totally sexy and also, conveniently, has a heart of gold beneath his rugged exterior). He makes some sexist-yet-funny remark to which Heroine takes offense and becomes convinced for the next six minutes of the movie that he's a terrible person with whom she has nothing in common and whose advances she will resist without fail. However, since he's a terrible person that happens to work in professional sports or owns a cool dive bar, they become fast friends and he teaches her new things and doles out clichéd life advice, like how she needs to loosen up and just learn to let go, and points out to her all the ways that some dude we suddenly learn she's currently half-dating is a total douche. Following a night of this sort of conversation, flirty glances, and nineteen beers each, they accidentally make out.

4. Asshole-With-a-Heart-of-Gold gets weirded out (or perhaps just goes about his normal life) and starts dating Random Tart. Heroine is displeased but, being a strong, independent, supposedly-non-typical-but-actually-typical woman, acts like she doesn't care.

5. Heroine, now weighing her options, or perhaps just rallying up a good ol' game of "who can make who more jealous?", rapidly increases the seriousness of her relationship with aforementioned half-boyfriend, who is a smooth, handsome investment banker or doctor who always wears nice suits. Asshole is miffed, realizes his feelings for the neurotic and totally-not-his-type leading lady, and goes just slightly too far in trying to make her jealous, but not so far that it's completely unforgivable. Heroine has a socially inappropriate, unwarranted meltdown, whereupon she screams at Asshole, and he gets in maybe one or two good digs about how uptight she is, and this all, most likely, occurs in a very public setting.

6. MONTAGE BREAK! The montage is a mandated, post-climactic piece to every romantic comedy puzzle. The Currently-Not-So-Gold-Hearted Asshole feels kinda stupid and guilty and must take a walk in crisp fall weather to clear his head and gaze at happy couples in a park, while somber indie rock plays in the background. Simultaneously, Heroine stares out the window of her tall office building as she recollects their good times and ponders what she has lost, while a montage of the aforementioned good times, complete with slow motion laughter, PG-rated physical contact, and possibly a food fight, plays for the audience. (WE DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, FORGO THE MONTAGE.)

7. After a short but dramatic period of time, Gold-Hearted Asshole finally shows up, much to Heroine's fake chagrin, to show just how golden his heart really is by doing something completely ridiculous, dangerous, and/or illegal to prove to Heroine once and for all that he MUST care.

8. Heroine and Gold Heart (who is now not so much an asshole, but a very hot, sensitive, sports team-managing badass) share their second kiss and declare their undying love for one another, despite the fact that they've known each other for nine days, aren't officially dating, and haven't even gotten to second base. AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Here's who you cast:
Heroine: Katherine Heigl, Jennifers Aniston/Garner/Lopez, Reese Witherspoon, Anne Hathaway, Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Cameron Diaz. Generally anyone who is very wholesome, but also highly annoying.

Black Friend: Doesn't actually have to be black. Any mildly ethnic-looking person will do. Must be attractive, but absolutely can not be prettier than Heroine. Think Zoe Saldana, Rosario Dawson, Jennifer Hudson, Gabrielle Union. If you can't find ethnic, Judy Greer (the eternal 'that girl') can fill in.

Gay Friend: Any clean-cut guy who is handsomely pretty, lean, fashionable, and isn't currently famous (and still won't be after he scores this part). Danny Roberts from The Real World: New Orleans is a nice prototype.

Badass (with a heart of gold): Gerard Butler, Bradley Cooper, Matthew McConaughey, Ashton Kutcher, Jake Gyllenhaal, James Marsden, Patrick Dempsey, or anyone who is sort of scruffy-handsome. Scruffy is how you know he's badass, handsome is how you know he has a heart of gold. (Clearly).

Random Tart: This can be played by anyone, as long as she isn't a particularly convincing actress and is sort of tough looking or slutty-hot. She can't look like the girl next door because she has to be unrelatable and therefore easy to hate. She's also only in the movie for about a minute and fifteen seconds, so you might not want to waste too much money on her. I'd go with someone from a recently-cancelled or low-rated CW series, or is unlikable to begin with, like Megan Fox, Camilla Belle, or Taylor Momsen.

There you have it. It really is that easy, and I just did most of the work for you. Now please hurry up and get to making this and a hundred other movies exactly like it so that I can absolutely go see them and seal-clap with delight when they get to #8.